Oh What A World.

Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

Sometimes I hate this shit more than I can even imagine.  Sometimes I wish I could just take the damn blue pill and go back to when I could believe whatever I wanted to believe.Â

Damn red pill.

It’s been a while

So it’s been a while since I’ve graced this page with my words.  Over a month, I believe.  It’s been a really busy, long month though.  So a recap.

Vacation down south went well.  It seemed to take forever to get there, and twice as long to get home.  Got to play with the kids.  See baseball games for two of them.  Spend quality Spiderman time with the third.  Broke my shoe in the local Target.  Spent a lot of money at the little village we went to on cute little glass creatures.  It was good.

Came back and started getting swamped at work.  Hannah was away on vacation for 3 weeks when I got back, so we were short staffed.  It got better though.  That Friday evening, I started running a fever of about 102F. And so it began.

My parents were coming up to visit on the weekend, so I called mom and told her I wasn’t feeling great.  They called me Saturday morning and I was still in bed and all “Hmm okay yeah I feel better and my fever is gone” except when I got out of bed… my fever took off again.  At that point I wasn’t feeling that bad… Just really really hot which is not a good thing in the middle of a heat-wave.

We went and saw Indy at the movie theatre that’s shaped like a space ship.  It always makes me giggle.  And I’d said that I’d wanted to make a trip to Costco, so we did that too before dropping me back off.  The entire time I was giddy.  Which likely had to do with the fact that my brain was baking a little and the meds I was taking weren’t really doing anything for it.

Monday comes along and I know I need to go into work.  I’m still feeling like death really warmed over, but we’re short staffed regularly on Mondays (Usually just me and Hannah) so… yeah.  I went in.  I survived.

Tuesday I woke up feeling a little better.  Still feverish.  And still really really tired.  But it didn’t last.  On the way to the subway I started feeling queasy and sick and just plain bad.  I ended up taking a five minute timeout on the subway steps (ew) while I waited for the train to come and the dizzies to settle down.  I seriously debated going home instead of to work.  But… I’m stupid and I went to work instead.  Only to find out that the other full-time called in sick with the stomach flu.  I could’ve died.

Next day, I came in simply because I’d made the plan to go to the walk-in clinic.  Overnight I’d broken out in this rash that itched like crazy, all down both my arms and a little on my chest.  Luckily it looked like I got a little too much sun and not one of those freaky red rashes.

So when Paul called in sick again, I asked my boss if I could take some time and go over to the clinic to get checked out.  I ended up going to the walk-in at the right time and it wasn’t busy.  I’ll admit that I was a little worried that I had the measles, since I work in the area of the outbreak, some of the symptoms fit and I’m of the age where I could possibly of not received my second vaccination.

The doctor looks me over, does a throat culture and says that it’s likely nothing but a cold.  She is about to dismiss me when I ask about the rash on my arms.  She said that she thought it was a sunburn and asked when the last time I was in the sun was (which was quite a while ago for such a sudden red) and suddenly she was concerned with a bunch of questions.  And an insistence on blood work being done.

The nurse who did the blood work was the sweetest, gentlest woman ever.  I have tricky veins and they don’t like giving blood.  And there were almost a dozen of little vials to be filled!  That’s a lot of my blood!

Anyway, the doc said that it would take 24 hours for me to get results of my bloodwork (which turned out to be incredibly far from the truth) and that they’d let me know whether to get the prescription filled for antibiotics or not.

So 24 hours goes by… nothing… and Friday’s half over and I’m like… where’s my phone call?  So I went back to the clinic and asked.  And the nurse said that not all my workup was back yet, but the throat culture came back negative so to just toss the prescription.  I headed home and held onto it to shred on Monday.

Monday at work was really busy, so I never got around to shredding the prescription.  And around 5pm, my phone rings and it’s the same nurse who told me to shred the prescription, saying that my blood had tested positive for the strep bacteria and that I should get my prescription filled.  She insisted that I make sure I take all the pills (penicillin) to make sure that the bacteria didn’t get into my brain (her words, not mine)

So I’m like, okay, I guess that’s what I have?  But the end of the week before and over the weekend, my joints started to kill.  Oh my god it had not been that painful since I’d broken my thumb.  I could barely move my fingers, toes and wrists.  Then early into the next week it moved to my hip and I could barely move from sitting to standing, or walk.  A trip to the bathroom could easily take 25 minutes just getting there and sitting down!  Embarrassing.

My mom, dad and I were talking though, how there was an outbreak of the Parvovirus B19 going around back home.  And, although I have little contact to people back home besides my immediate family, the symptoms I had fit.  Especially the painful swollen joints and the lovely red rash.

So I get to work this Monday (16th) and there’s a message on my voicemail saying for me to call the clinic as soon as possible.  So I call and the nurse tells me that the doc needs to see me today, as soon as possible.  So of course I get all nervous and worried and yeah.  So I head over, let them know I’m there, and wait for my turn.

When I get called in, the doctor lets me know that almost all my blood work from the 4th is in.  Except for the measles test.  But she says to me “Your blood test for the Parvovirus B19 has come back positive”.  So there you go.  Mom and dad were right.  Because of the bacterial infection, the doctor says that it’ll likely take a hell of a lot longer for the virus to work its way through my system.  So I’m supposed to be prepared for this pain to last at least a month, and more likely an extra one on top of that.

So… I’ve been up to very little recently.  The joint pain tends to wander.  And once it’s wandered, it’ll stay where it is for a few days before wandering to a new place.  Right now it’s settled in my shoulders and neck.  It’s been there a few days and, quite frankly, I can’t wait for it to move on.  Some days are better than others.  Some nights are better than others.

July is coming up and that’s mini vacation month.  I’m excited and I hope to get to the cottage soon.  Although it’s still not open and the boat’s not even in the water.  The weather hasn’t been the greatest.  We had one week of summer weather and now it seems that we’re back to early spring weather.

But alas it’s time for me to shut up.  Head home and curl up under the blanket on the couch and be my (now) regular self.

someday your head is going to turn and you’ll realize i’m missing, do you realize?*

  • I went out for Amanda’s birthday with her and her friends in January. Got a little drunk, just a little, and had a damn good time.
  • Finally decided to donate my hair to Beautiful Lengths. Frightened the hair dresser, cut off over 16 inches, and got lots of double-takes at work when I came back on the Monday.
  • Feb 14 to Feb 18 was the trip to Cali. Took my first connecting flights. Visited the Long Beach Aquarium. Keiran was sick all vacation. Got horribly sunburnt on the beach. STILL flaking and itchy a month later. Brozers reunion. Went shopping with Sarah and Jen. Build-a-Bear adventures and a bear with a leather jacket.
  • I spent the end of Feb and beginning of March horribly sick. Although it’s always amusing to not be able to speak.
  • Matchbox 20 Concert with Lauren in Feb. Awesome show. Alanis was really good although all old-school Alanis? Missed that. Ended up leaving show early though – feeling really gross and Lauren had a big exam next day. Still enjoyed it, still got $$’s worth.
  • Went home for gramma’s birthday and got chewed out by extended family for being sick.
  • My birthday came and went. Rather uneventfully at that, minus the sick. Which I suppose is a good thing. Which also means that I’m now 26. Hurrah. My mom, dad and sister showed up the day after my birthday and took me out to Mandarin for dinner. Gorged myself stupid on food but damn it was fun.
  • Looking to purchase a new laptop eventually. Love the old one, but it’s not doing so well recently.
  • Easter was way too early this year. Although Cadbury Mini-eggs on sale is a damn good thing.
  • Too much winter. C’mon spring. You’re suppose to be here, where are you?
  • This post has been sitting here as a work in progress for a damn long time. Time to give it up.

there ain’t nothing here at all
another month, a year that’s all
so you can tell them I’m coming
and hell’s coming with me

*Matthew Good ‘s “Suburbia”

I’ve apparently got the posting bug…

A random quiz stolen from someone off facebook.

Different questions

1. Is it difficult for you to look into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I think I have a hard time looking someone in the eye regardless… I force myself to make eye contact now, but that’s after being forever constantly told to.  Emotions though, yeah, that’d be more difficult.  I also find it hard to because quite often people don’t want to look me in the eye either.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry?
The last time I was REALLY angry… Hmmm…  Well, the last time I was really angry was when Keiran told me that KD tried to commit suicide.  That was Tuesday.  I can’t think of any time before that when I was really angry.  I get little angry often… and disappointed, but that’s life? Why, well, why is pretty self-explainatory.

3. You will die in three minutes. Last call?
It would so be my mom.  My mom is the only person that I’ve ever been able to trust completely.

4. You have three months to live…
(1) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? Not everyone, I don’t think.  Not everyone I know would necessarily care, so yeah.  Tell the necessary people.
(2) What do you do with your remaining days? Quit my job.  Do some traveling in the beginning and see the family that lives further away.  Make sure to spend time with the people I care about.  Make sure as much as possible would be taken care of for when I did pass.
(3) Would you be afraid? Yes and no. I don’t know how I’d react, honestly.  We’ll have to find out if it ever happens.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love. Which do you choose?  I don’t know.  I don’t think there is any love if there’s no trust.  But trust isn’t something that comes automatically with love either. Trust has to be earned.  Love has to be too.  Lust, sure, that exists all the time without trust.  But love and trust come together.  Most of the people I love, romantically or otherwise, I have to trust them first.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
You know… If I went to my boss dripping wet after rescuing a puppy and being late, I don’t think he’d fire me.  There are inexcusable reasons for being late for work, and there’s a sense of human decency here that needs to be followed.  There’s no excuse for letting an animal die just to keep your job.  And if that’s the kind of job that I’m in, maybe I don’t wanna work there anymore anyway.

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her?
Yes, I think I would.  I’m the type of person who, if I didn’t, the guilt would eat me up alive and I’d be useless in the relationship anyway.  However… I don’t think I would do that in the first place.  I’m pretty fiercely loyal.

8. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?
What’s with all the death questions anyway.  But yes.  There’d have to be stipulations to this one.  The last person in my family who died was my gramma.  And I would gladly give her another hour of her life back, so long as she wasn’t in the horrible pain that she was before she died.  If it didn’t have to be the last person, I’d still like that stipulation.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
That’s a tricky one.  I don’t think I’d like to be my friend.  I’m a jealous, manipulative person that’s extremely clingy and dependent.  I’m fickle sometimes, especially when it comes to going out into the real world. I spend a lot of time in my own head.  But I’d go out of my way to help you if I could.  And I’d love spending time with you, so long as it’s in a more quiet, inside setting.  I love to listen. And I have a weird sense of humour… but I don’t know.

10. Does sex=love?
Not anymore.  Unfortuately.  I’m not talking about the long-term love, but in a lot of cases there isn’t anything past lust.  And to open yourself up and be so vulnerable… a lot of harm could be done.  That being said… I don’t know much on either subject anyway.

11. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company?
The problem with this one is that you don’t know that that’s the real reason that they’re letting the individual go.  At least, that’s what I’ve learned.  Say one thing, mean the other.  But yes.  I wouldn’t.  It’s not an area where I’d be able to get involved.  I would definitely feel bad for the individual and offer to help however I could, but I don’t think that it would do anyone good if I did that.

12. When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel?
I don’t think I’ve done that in a while.  I’d like to, in a while, but I haven’t found a way to.  I’m good at bottling it all up for a while.  Sometimes it explodes, other times it just fizzles away.

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
I don’t know.  i haven’t had the opportunity to do many of either.  Although, I’ve found that it’s very hard to tell someone that you’re interested in them in the first place.  And even harder in return to have them come back and say they’re not in me.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
My family (cat included) and friends.  Because without them, there is no me.  They’re my life, my world and my best friends.  I need them in my world and I depend on them for everything.  I love them.

15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Keiran, sometime yesterday likely.  Also my family before they left yesterday.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have “no regrets” what would you change?
My first reaction would be to go back and change where I decided to go to university.  But then I wouldn’t of met Amanda or Lauren.  And I adore both of them.  I don’t know.  I’m not one of those people who claim to have “no regrets” but I just don’t know what I’d change.

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. what do you do?
Umm… that’s every night?  Although I do live on the fourth floor and can hear people entering and leaving the building ;)  I’m more inclined to be the one to panic if someone starts knocking on my door.  Usually I ignore it, pretend I can’t hear it if the music is on semi-loud.  Once I’d gotten frightened, grabbed the cat and the phone and locked myself in the bathroom.  But that was the old apartment.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
I don’t know CPR but if I did, yes.  A person is a person, regardless of their situation.  And everyone deserves a chance at life.

19. You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other which one would it be?
Wtf… Okay, you know what?  I’m tired of all these death questions.  I’m going to boycot this one.  Or shove all of us off the cliff.

20. Are you old fashioned?
I am, to a degree.  But… old fashioned isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

21. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
A guarantee of heart break eh?  I’d still rather love true for a short period of time.

Random blathers from a sleep girl

Nanowrimo is coming to a close and I know I’m not going to finish.  And while I’m mildly upset that I won’t reach the 50,000 words in time, I’m not really that upset? But I’ll come back to that.

I’ve had a particularly busy month, and quite frankly, I’m completely exhausted.  But it’s been a good month and I owe a long post.  We’ll see if I can get the jist of it down while I’m at work, since I’m attempting to not fall asleep since I’m so tired right now.

I went to see Tori Amos with my old friend from high school, Emily, and her boyfriend.  Tori puts on a great show and it was really good to see Emily again.

Keiran came to visit last month.  I dragged her around and made her do all sorts of things with me. Heh.

Raine Maida busked downtown and I made Keiran come watch him with me when he was in the financial district.  It was a little awe-inspiring to be that close to someone whom you have worshipped music-wise for… my god has it really been over 10 years? Anyway, he used the footage as a music video (I saw me in there heh) and it’s posted up on his myspace.

I saw Matt Good when he was playing in Toronto.  I had a great seat and it lead to an experience that was beyond words.  I’ve heard him live before, and it was amazing, but the acoustical tour… was out of this world.  I have photos which will be posted eventually in my gallery.

I won two tickets to see Raine later on, from the mailing list.  Which, btw, I STILL can’t believe I won haha.  Alright, it was a free show to begin with, but the odds of me winning anything are slim to none to begin with.  And to win something like that… But yes, anyway, I dragged Emily with me (Well, she went willingly) and I had one heck of a good time.  Chantal was playing piano for him and that was cool too.

Hannah and I took a Community Mobilization course with the police.  I learned some interesting things, to say the least.  I feel better educated heh.

Whatever weekends were left in there, I was working.  Covering shifts and what-not.  The parents took me out last Sunday and we went to a Toy show where I bought some “nostalgia” toys.

Now that November is almost over, I can finally relax?  Except, you know, next comes the Christmas rush.

But yes, back to Nano.  I’m not upset about not making the goal.  I thought I would be.  But… Here’s the thing.  I’ve been surfing the Nano boards and I see all these people that now hate their story.  I was afraid I’d be one of them. These characters of mine… they’ve been a work in progress for years now.  And I don’t.  I’m still in love with my characters.  I still want to finish telling their story.  Finish guiding them through their life.  And I’m still excited over them.  I’ve got a good chunk done, and I know there’s still a good chunk left.  So I’m happy even though I’m failing.

But yeah.  I need to stop procrastinating and get back to pretending to get work done heh