Goodbye 2016. Hello 2017

  1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?

Met Marianas Trench…. Twice…. On the same day.  Went on a Marianas Trench a-thon (5 shows this year).  Decided to get a tattoo (getting it in March).  Went on a Cruise.  Visited Alaska.  Touched a glacier. Won a painting.  Took a sculpture class.  Went to Fan Expo.  Submitted a video to a vlog and then met Michael Aranda a few weeks later.  Went to two concerts that were almost private shows, which was kinda awesome.  Attended a private movie screening.  Streaked a section of my hair blue.  Spent almost the full night at work – bordered on

  1. Did you keep your New Years’ Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Didn’t make any resolutions last year.  Just surviving the year is good enough, usually.  Not really making any thing year earlier.  Although, as I did say on Twitter earlier today, I’m going to go back to school in the beginning on January.  And to continue to work on living outside my comfort zone.

  1. Did anyone close to you give birth?

KD had a gorgeous little boy that I haven’t met yet.

  1. Did anyone close to you die?

Not to my knowledge.

  1. What countries did you visit?

The USA – Texas specifically – in January.  And again to the USA in June when I went on the cruise to Alaska.  Otherwise I’d just spent time in my home area.

  1. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?

Family health.  We were getting there but… A better love life.  A new home.

  1. What date from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 19 – When I met Marianas Trench, twice.  March 21 – Got Josh Ramsay’s guitar pic post Wildfire.  June 2 – Plans and Disguises – met Dylan and Woody.  Fan expo – Sept 3.

  1. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Learning how to put distance between myself and some of my toxic friends – it’s still a work in progress but I’m going the right way.  Making some new friends.  Close ones, and not as close ones, but still friends none-the-less.  Discovered a MASSIVE issue at work – resulted in me getting an Achievers award for it.

  1. What was your biggest failure?

Not finding a better work/life balance.  Not saying no when I needed to.

  1. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Mother-fucking-Mono.  Miserable there.  Couple of random little illnesses too.

  1. What was the best thing you bought?

A new camera.  Although I only bought half of that.  Tickets to all the events I attended.

  1. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Sometimes mine, sometimes not.

  1. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Generalized Americans who voted for, and elected, Trump.  The boss, occasionally.

  1. Where did most of your money go?

The Alaskan Cruise/Vancouver trip.  Marianas Trench stuff – merch, tickets, etc.  But both were so worth it.

  1. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The Marianas Trench shows, ESPECIALLY the one with Keiran.  Spending time with my family.

  1. What song will always remind you of 2016?

Who Do You Love – Marianas Trench.

  1. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    1. happier or sadder? Cautiously happier
    2. thinner or fatter? Thinner, but not by much.
    3. richer or poorer? Richer in more than money
  1. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Been more confident in myself – in my talents, thoughts and just self in general.

  1. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Given in to my fear.

  1. How will you be spending Christmas?

Christmas Eve was at my Aunt’s house, with Aunt, Uncle, Oma, Laura, Laura’s boyfriend, and boyfriend’s daughter.  Christmas Day was just immediate family.  We made a turkey, opened presents, watched some movies.

  1. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

My mom, on calls.  Texting likely Keiran and Isabelle.

  1. Did you fall in love in 2016?

I tried very very hard to not.  I did not succeed. Which is unfortunate, seeing as it’s unrequited love once more.

  1. How many one-night stands?

Not a one…. Not for lack of trying.

  1. What was your favorite TV program?

Code Black.  Murdoch Mysteries.  Still Standing.  X Company.

  1. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate, no.  Strong dislike, yes.

  1. What was the best book you read?

The ones I finished.

  1. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Plans and Disguises – Just before I met them.  I’ve fallen that much more in love with Marianas Trench

  1. What did you want and get?

Much more than I deserved.

  1. What did you want and not get?

There’s a few things that I desired that I didn’t get.  Maybe I didn’t deserve them.

  1. What was your favorite film of this year?

Didn’t have a favourite.  There were quite a few delightful ones though.

  1. What did you do on your birthday, and how old?

I honestly don’t recall what I did.  Worked, I’m sure.  I turned 34.

  1. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Reciprocated attraction.  But we’re getting there.

  1. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

Whatever I wanted, as long as it was situationally appropriate.    Although most of my shopping happened at Torrid.

  1. What kept you sane?

Friends.  Family.  The kitty.

  1. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Josh Ramsay is still at the top of this list.

  1. What political issue stirred you the most?

There were a lot of political issues that got under my skin.  Which is interesting seeing as I don’t like to follow political issues.

  1. Who did you miss?

The people I wasn’t with.

  1. Who was the best new person you met?

Honestly, I met a bunch of new people this year.  And I include “met” as “got to know a lot better” in the met category.

  1. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016:

That love is expressed in many different ways.   And that it’s okay to let go of people and say no to them – especially when they replace you in their life.

  1. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Everything goes quiet, it’s like I just can’t move
You say I might as well try it, there’s nothing left to lose
Nothing will change if you never choose
~ Marianas Trench “Who Do You Love”

Trying to find my “Why”

Edit: So I’m working with a group, that includes a Life Coach, to try to get my life back on track.  Things have been ridiculous and insanely stressful and I’ve let so much of “me” slide.  One of the questions they asked us was, “well, what’s wrong with the way you’re living now?  You’re all still living, aren’t you?”  And, sure, we can all come back and say we are.  So the mission is to find a “why”, a few or a list of reasons why you want to change the path you’re on right now.  I know my path is unhealthy.  I know my path is self-destructive.  But despite being given tools to change things – I cannot change my path if I’m not willing.  This is what came out when I was asked about my “why”.

I’m trying to find a way to be accountable for my actions.  I want to break the cycles.  I’m trying to find a way to becoming a healthier me.  It hasn’t been easy.  But I didn’t expect it to be.  There’s been a lot of years of damage, so it’s not going to go away overnight.

This time I feel like I might be ready.

Because I’ve seen, and continue to see, loved ones going through so much suffering.  I’ve seen suffering to extreme levels with all kinds of issues, from skin to joints to organs.  I’ve seen suffering that can be traced back to issues with weight, coupled with chronic illnesses.  I’ve seen their pain – I’ve cried with them, and for them.  I’m still doing so.  I’ve seen the extreme limitations on living lives.  The opportunities lost or missed.

Because I’ve felt it myself, too.  I’ve felt the pain of weakness, extra body weight, exhaustion.  I’ve felt humiliation on so many levels… While my skinny friend got stuck going between the seats in the minivan in Roatan as well, I was the one they laughed at.  I don’t take seats on the subway even when I’m exhausted because of the looks.  I’m always seen as in the way, and that it’s okay to jab, poke, and push me out of the way.

My self-esteem is low.  My self-confidence is as well.  I’ve let so many opportunities pass me by, and I keep doing so.  Jobs, hobbies, friendships, travel, relationships…  Because I don’t know how someone could love me when I look in the mirror and cannot love myself.  Don’t get me wrong – I don’t hate myself.  But I don’t love myself either.   Some days I can see past this out-of-shape, obese body to the kind, funny, sweet person that people say I am.  But frequently I can’t.

This isn’t what I intended to write when I sat down to do so tonight.  But it’s what came out, so I guess it needed to be said.  So I’m going to continue to push through.  Work on tackling some of my demons.  Actually planning things for my future – since I’ve decided I’m actually going to have one.

Gonna work on making it be a good one.

Summer Sleepless Nights

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That time between 1am and 4am when the air in the bedroom becomes increasingly hot and stale, settling into the edges of the bed.  When the barely present breeze stops and the darkness settles heavily on my skin.

It’s in the heat of the nights like these when the voices in my head take over.

They’re persistent and they reiterate and remind me, constantly, that the real-world reasons I’m single are because I’m ugly, inside and out. And as the sweat pours off my skin in the silence I cannot help but agree.  It would be too difficult to disagree.  Too painful.  It’s too dark and I can’t see the lights.  Instead I can feel the waves of ugly rolling down my fleshy skin, dripping off my fat.

It doesn’t matter how cheerful and friendly I am.
It doesn’t matter that I’ve got a heart of “gold”.
It doesn’t matter that I’d do anything for those I care about.

None of that matters.

Just that the flesh I walk around in is generally unappealing to the general public.  And no matter how hard I try to do something about that flesh… There’s no success.

 

*note* Not all sleepless nights are like the above.  There are wonderful ones as well.  And yes. I’m aware that this is mostly a self-esteem/self-confidence issue. I’m working on it but that doesn’t make it any less painful when it happens.

The start of Emily’s List of Awesome

Occasionally I fall into one of those dark scary black pits of badness.  Those times where, no matter how good life has been recently, everything suddenly turns dark and there feels like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.  Where you wonder if truthfully your life is worth anything, whether you’ve wasted all your time so far, or if you’ve actually accomplished anything of merit.  When you see all the accomplishments that used to be your milestone goals being completed by everyone else around you, and you’re still sitting on the sidelines waiting for your turn to play the game.

Granted, the pits I’ve fallen into in the past while have neither been as dark, deep or as strugglesome to get out of, but they’ve still been a part of my life.  And I suspect they always will be.  Social anxiety and depression are part of who I am.  For the most part I’m alright with that as well.  I’ve learned to manage them and manage my world around me during those times.  I know the steps to take to take care of myself and to make myself feel better in the process.

But it’s still difficult.

So, with the help of some friends, I started to create a list.  A list of things that inspire happy memories and reminiscing.  Of accomplishments and goals I’ve achieved, both big and small.  Of times I conquered my fears by saying fuck it and doing it anyway.

Emily’s List of Awesome

It is, by no means, a complete list.  And it’s a fluid list – there’s always things going on that need to be added.  Some are stupid (to you) but may be monumental to me.  There are events that should have dates that I’ve forgotten.  And there’s events that I’ve also just simply forgotten as well.   If there’s something relevant that I’ve experienced with you and it’s not on this list, please tell me!  If you have dates for something on this list, please tell me!  And, even better, if you can think of something I should do with you that’s not on this list, let me know!  I love suggestions.