That time between 1am and 4am when the air in the bedroom becomes increasingly hot and stale, settling into the edges of the bed. When the barely present breeze stops and the darkness settles heavily on my skin.
It’s in the heat of the nights like these when the voices in my head take over.
They’re persistent and they reiterate and remind me, constantly, that the real-world reasons I’m single are because I’m ugly, inside and out. And as the sweat pours off my skin in the silence I cannot help but agree. It would be too difficult to disagree. Too painful. It’s too dark and I can’t see the lights. Instead I can feel the waves of ugly rolling down my fleshy skin, dripping off my fat.
It doesn’t matter how cheerful and friendly I am.
It doesn’t matter that I’ve got a heart of “gold”.
It doesn’t matter that I’d do anything for those I care about.
None of that matters.
Just that the flesh I walk around in is generally unappealing to the general public. And no matter how hard I try to do something about that flesh… There’s no success.
*note* Not all sleepless nights are like the above. There are wonderful ones as well. And yes. I’m aware that this is mostly a self-esteem/self-confidence issue. I’m working on it but that doesn’t make it any less painful when it happens.