Edit: So I’m working with a group, that includes a Life Coach, to try to get my life back on track. Things have been ridiculous and insanely stressful and I’ve let so much of “me” slide. One of the questions they asked us was, “well, what’s wrong with the way you’re living now? You’re all still living, aren’t you?” And, sure, we can all come back and say we are. So the mission is to find a “why”, a few or a list of reasons why you want to change the path you’re on right now. I know my path is unhealthy. I know my path is self-destructive. But despite being given tools to change things – I cannot change my path if I’m not willing. This is what came out when I was asked about my “why”.
I’m trying to find a way to be accountable for my actions. I want to break the cycles. I’m trying to find a way to becoming a healthier me. It hasn’t been easy. But I didn’t expect it to be. There’s been a lot of years of damage, so it’s not going to go away overnight.
This time I feel like I might be ready.
Because I’ve seen, and continue to see, loved ones going through so much suffering. I’ve seen suffering to extreme levels with all kinds of issues, from skin to joints to organs. I’ve seen suffering that can be traced back to issues with weight, coupled with chronic illnesses. I’ve seen their pain – I’ve cried with them, and for them. I’m still doing so. I’ve seen the extreme limitations on living lives. The opportunities lost or missed.
Because I’ve felt it myself, too. I’ve felt the pain of weakness, extra body weight, exhaustion. I’ve felt humiliation on so many levels… While my skinny friend got stuck going between the seats in the minivan in Roatan as well, I was the one they laughed at. I don’t take seats on the subway even when I’m exhausted because of the looks. I’m always seen as in the way, and that it’s okay to jab, poke, and push me out of the way.
My self-esteem is low. My self-confidence is as well. I’ve let so many opportunities pass me by, and I keep doing so. Jobs, hobbies, friendships, travel, relationships… Because I don’t know how someone could love me when I look in the mirror and cannot love myself. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t hate myself. But I don’t love myself either. Some days I can see past this out-of-shape, obese body to the kind, funny, sweet person that people say I am. But frequently I can’t.
This isn’t what I intended to write when I sat down to do so tonight. But it’s what came out, so I guess it needed to be said. So I’m going to continue to push through. Work on tackling some of my demons. Actually planning things for my future – since I’ve decided I’m actually going to have one.
Gonna work on making it be a good one.