someday your head is going to turn and you’ll realize i’m missing, do you realize?*

  • I went out for Amanda’s birthday with her and her friends in January. Got a little drunk, just a little, and had a damn good time.
  • Finally decided to donate my hair to Beautiful Lengths. Frightened the hair dresser, cut off over 16 inches, and got lots of double-takes at work when I came back on the Monday.
  • Feb 14 to Feb 18 was the trip to Cali. Took my first connecting flights. Visited the Long Beach Aquarium. Keiran was sick all vacation. Got horribly sunburnt on the beach. STILL flaking and itchy a month later. Brozers reunion. Went shopping with Sarah and Jen. Build-a-Bear adventures and a bear with a leather jacket.
  • I spent the end of Feb and beginning of March horribly sick. Although it’s always amusing to not be able to speak.
  • Matchbox 20 Concert with Lauren in Feb. Awesome show. Alanis was really good although all old-school Alanis? Missed that. Ended up leaving show early though – feeling really gross and Lauren had a big exam next day. Still enjoyed it, still got $$’s worth.
  • Went home for gramma’s birthday and got chewed out by extended family for being sick.
  • My birthday came and went. Rather uneventfully at that, minus the sick. Which I suppose is a good thing. Which also means that I’m now 26. Hurrah. My mom, dad and sister showed up the day after my birthday and took me out to Mandarin for dinner. Gorged myself stupid on food but damn it was fun.
  • Looking to purchase a new laptop eventually. Love the old one, but it’s not doing so well recently.
  • Easter was way too early this year. Although Cadbury Mini-eggs on sale is a damn good thing.
  • Too much winter. C’mon spring. You’re suppose to be here, where are you?
  • This post has been sitting here as a work in progress for a damn long time. Time to give it up.

there ain’t nothing here at all
another month, a year that’s all
so you can tell them I’m coming
and hell’s coming with me

*Matthew Good ‘s “Suburbia”

I’ve apparently got the posting bug…

A random quiz stolen from someone off facebook.

Different questions

1. Is it difficult for you to look into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I think I have a hard time looking someone in the eye regardless… I force myself to make eye contact now, but that’s after being forever constantly told to.  Emotions though, yeah, that’d be more difficult.  I also find it hard to because quite often people don’t want to look me in the eye either.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry?
The last time I was REALLY angry… Hmmm…  Well, the last time I was really angry was when Keiran told me that KD tried to commit suicide.  That was Tuesday.  I can’t think of any time before that when I was really angry.  I get little angry often… and disappointed, but that’s life? Why, well, why is pretty self-explainatory.

3. You will die in three minutes. Last call?
It would so be my mom.  My mom is the only person that I’ve ever been able to trust completely.

4. You have three months to live…
(1) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? Not everyone, I don’t think.  Not everyone I know would necessarily care, so yeah.  Tell the necessary people.
(2) What do you do with your remaining days? Quit my job.  Do some traveling in the beginning and see the family that lives further away.  Make sure to spend time with the people I care about.  Make sure as much as possible would be taken care of for when I did pass.
(3) Would you be afraid? Yes and no. I don’t know how I’d react, honestly.  We’ll have to find out if it ever happens.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love. Which do you choose?  I don’t know.  I don’t think there is any love if there’s no trust.  But trust isn’t something that comes automatically with love either. Trust has to be earned.  Love has to be too.  Lust, sure, that exists all the time without trust.  But love and trust come together.  Most of the people I love, romantically or otherwise, I have to trust them first.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
You know… If I went to my boss dripping wet after rescuing a puppy and being late, I don’t think he’d fire me.  There are inexcusable reasons for being late for work, and there’s a sense of human decency here that needs to be followed.  There’s no excuse for letting an animal die just to keep your job.  And if that’s the kind of job that I’m in, maybe I don’t wanna work there anymore anyway.

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her?
Yes, I think I would.  I’m the type of person who, if I didn’t, the guilt would eat me up alive and I’d be useless in the relationship anyway.  However… I don’t think I would do that in the first place.  I’m pretty fiercely loyal.

8. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?
What’s with all the death questions anyway.  But yes.  There’d have to be stipulations to this one.  The last person in my family who died was my gramma.  And I would gladly give her another hour of her life back, so long as she wasn’t in the horrible pain that she was before she died.  If it didn’t have to be the last person, I’d still like that stipulation.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
That’s a tricky one.  I don’t think I’d like to be my friend.  I’m a jealous, manipulative person that’s extremely clingy and dependent.  I’m fickle sometimes, especially when it comes to going out into the real world. I spend a lot of time in my own head.  But I’d go out of my way to help you if I could.  And I’d love spending time with you, so long as it’s in a more quiet, inside setting.  I love to listen. And I have a weird sense of humour… but I don’t know.

10. Does sex=love?
Not anymore.  Unfortuately.  I’m not talking about the long-term love, but in a lot of cases there isn’t anything past lust.  And to open yourself up and be so vulnerable… a lot of harm could be done.  That being said… I don’t know much on either subject anyway.

11. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company?
The problem with this one is that you don’t know that that’s the real reason that they’re letting the individual go.  At least, that’s what I’ve learned.  Say one thing, mean the other.  But yes.  I wouldn’t.  It’s not an area where I’d be able to get involved.  I would definitely feel bad for the individual and offer to help however I could, but I don’t think that it would do anyone good if I did that.

12. When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel?
I don’t think I’ve done that in a while.  I’d like to, in a while, but I haven’t found a way to.  I’m good at bottling it all up for a while.  Sometimes it explodes, other times it just fizzles away.

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
I don’t know.  i haven’t had the opportunity to do many of either.  Although, I’ve found that it’s very hard to tell someone that you’re interested in them in the first place.  And even harder in return to have them come back and say they’re not in me.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
My family (cat included) and friends.  Because without them, there is no me.  They’re my life, my world and my best friends.  I need them in my world and I depend on them for everything.  I love them.

15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Keiran, sometime yesterday likely.  Also my family before they left yesterday.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have “no regrets” what would you change?
My first reaction would be to go back and change where I decided to go to university.  But then I wouldn’t of met Amanda or Lauren.  And I adore both of them.  I don’t know.  I’m not one of those people who claim to have “no regrets” but I just don’t know what I’d change.

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. what do you do?
Umm… that’s every night?  Although I do live on the fourth floor and can hear people entering and leaving the building ;)  I’m more inclined to be the one to panic if someone starts knocking on my door.  Usually I ignore it, pretend I can’t hear it if the music is on semi-loud.  Once I’d gotten frightened, grabbed the cat and the phone and locked myself in the bathroom.  But that was the old apartment.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
I don’t know CPR but if I did, yes.  A person is a person, regardless of their situation.  And everyone deserves a chance at life.

19. You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other which one would it be?
Wtf… Okay, you know what?  I’m tired of all these death questions.  I’m going to boycot this one.  Or shove all of us off the cliff.

20. Are you old fashioned?
I am, to a degree.  But… old fashioned isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

21. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
A guarantee of heart break eh?  I’d still rather love true for a short period of time.

And I know I was worth it – ’cause if I wasn’t worth it that makes me worse off than you are

I’m feeling a little random, let us start a list. (apparently I’m feeling all multiple too, since I’m the only one writing said list)

  • I want to participate in NaNoWriMo, however I don’t know. I don’t know what in the world I’d write about. There are millions of mini pieces of fiction on my hard drive (okay, maybe not a million, but damn quite a few) but I don’t know how to write anything more than a few pages anymore. And nothing I write ever ends up finished.
  • At work, they want me to go take some classes. Apparently they’ll pay for some of them. I would love to. I just have to make it fit in to my schedule. Am I crazy to want a certificate in the Psychology of Disasters? I might be. But that has to wait until my hours become a little more regular.
  • I’ve developed an interesting love for John Mayer after having an endless hate for him. Nothing personal, I just couldn’t stand his music. I’ve turned into a hypocrit, however, because now I have a love for it.
  • The title comes from the beautiful and amazingly talented Chantal Kreviazuk and her song “Surrounded”. Which I happen to love. And those lyrics always stick with me.
  • In the apartment sense, I’ve been discovering hidden boxes of my first love – books. And oh how I’ve missed my friends. I’ve found various new ones that I purchased prior to moving that I desperately want to curl up and read now. Problem is I’ve still got library books that are first priority. Since, you know, those ones have to go back.
  • Speaking of books… Library sale this weekend! Prices have gone up in the past years, but it goes to a good cause and is still cheap. Sure they’re a little worse for the wear, but it’s worth it. I love expanding my library. Although now I’m gonna have to find new places to put them all. I talk like I’ve bought a lot already :-$
  • Two concerts coming up. First two in what feels like ages. Tori Amos with my old best friend from highschool (ironically named Emily as well) and her boyfriend. At least, I think that’s the plan. I’m not 100% sure yet, but we’ll figure it out closer to time. Then the wonderful Matt Good. That is the concert I’ve been anxious to go to. The concert that I post-poned my summer cottage vacation to buy tickets to haha. I hope he’s feeling better soon though. It sucks to go to a regular job when you’re sick. I can’t imagine how it would be to perform when you’re sick.
  • Keiran’s coming to visit in a few days. I should be writing a list of things I have to do before she gets here instead of this BS of a list.
  • I am finally on the verge of not being sick. For real this time! 5.5 weeks of being ill off and on sure makes a person miserable. I’m not “better” yet, but I am feeling a heck of a lot better. Thank goodness. Now watch – now that I’ve said that I’m gonna be in trouble. I’d better figure out when they’re giving out flu shots this year.
  • I’ve had enough of this. I’ve had enough of a lot of things recently… I’ve had enough of being pushed around. But I am the type of person who’ll just shut their eyes and take the beating. That’s always how I’ve been.

Okay. The End.

A list of sorts

  1. It was me who ate the rest of the caramel bites.
  2. You know what really sucks? When you really want to say something, but you don’t dare.
  3. I have seen this stupid whalers-on-the-moon episode of Futurama way too many times.
  4. My nose is bleeding, I’ve picked all the skin off my lips leaving scabs, and my eyes are red. Aren’t I pretty?
  5. Apparently I cannot wear a single pair of socks without putting my toes through them.
  6. There’s junk all over the floor in here and I don’t care.
  7. There’s a lot of hate in me.
  8. I’ve been feeling like a complete and utter failure.
  9. I’m used to feeling like that
  10. I want to start over.
  11. I should really go to bed.

Life’s little lessons part 1

Random lessons from today:

  1. If all the other phones are busy and your phone rings, it’s not for you.
  2. TUMS taste like slightly flavoured chalk. Yes, I remember the taste of chalk.
  3. Just because someone is there doesn’t mean they’ll take your call even though they need to speak with you
  4. If it worked this morning, it’s not gonna work again, especially when you need it to.
  5. It is not next week yet. No matter how many times I’m told this one, it still hasn’t stuck.
  6. There is no way to get the slippery pants, that are too long and too big, to stay up. Do the laundry, for crying out loud.
  7. When you need to do laundry, everyone else needs to do laundry.
  8. White-out can be fun. Too much white-out can be trouble.
  9. Summer TV can be disappointing TV.
  10. There is nothing that can beat stretching out in bed under the covers after a rough day.