I like questions that make me think…

Is it difficult for you to look into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
Yes.  It is.  When I am talking about feelings, or anything truthfully.  Mostly because I find eye contact intimidating. I am extra-sensitive.  If I trust you, or I respect you, it’s easier to look you in the eyes.  But put emotion behind it, and it gets that much more difficult

Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry?
I’m more quick to anger than I used to be.  However it’s also a quick rage and I don’t hit the REALLY angry portion that often anymore.  More of a deep disappointment.  I find a lot of quick anger and deep disappointment at work.  Some of the stuff I’ve seen happen to those I care about make me angry.  When I’m disrespected, I find that angry. But it’s not a REALLY angry. I might’ve hit the REALLY angry around when Rick died with something that happened between boss and I but that’s not something I want to talk about.

You will die in three minutes. Last call?
At this point in time – My parents. But there’d be about 4 people I would send texts as well, to say I love you.

You have three months to live…
(1) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?  Anyone, yes.  Everyone, no.  There’s some people I would want to know.  Others, well, they’re not really ones who will give a fuck, really.  So why waste time pacifying them.
(2) What do you do with your remaining days?  Be a little more reckless.  Not like, in crazy ways, but be more open and honest with the people around me.  Make sure those I care about know that I do.  See family and friends.  Hug and kiss more.  Find a whirlwind relationship.  Do things I love with people I love.
(3) Would you be afraid?  I think I would.  Well, I’m afraid on a general basis, so I don’t think I see that changing.  But yeah.  There’s always going to be some fear.

You can have one of the following two things: trust/love. Which do you choose?  I don’t know.  I don’t think there is any love if there’s no trust.  But trust isn’t something that comes automatically with love either. Trust has to be earned.  Lust, sure, that exists all the time without trust.  But love and trust come together.  Most of the people I love, romantically or otherwise, I have to trust them first.  So I guess the answer is I don’t know?

You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
My boss is a dog lover.  While I think she would be upset, I don’t see her actually firing me over something like that.  There needs to be reasonable cause to fire.  I suppose that technically it’s a fire-able offense… But…You know… if my boss fired me for that, then maybe that’s a company that I don’t want to be part of.

You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her?
I wouldn’t be unfaithful.  I’m loyal to a fault.  So there’s that.  But… It’s something that I would want to know – if someone had cheated on me.  I don’t know if I would be able to be part of the relationship any longer after that.  That goes back to the whole trust thing.  I guess it would also depend on the LEVEL of unfaithful, the length of the relationship, etc.  It’s not something I want to find out, though.

Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?
Yes.  I would.  In a heartbeat I would, if I could give that someone a chance to say goodbye to the people they loved. It would be worth it.

Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
I don’t know but I doubt it.   I can be fickle and emotionally over-available or completely unavailable.  I’ve been called cold and stand-off-ish.  I’m extremely dependent and clingy.  I spent too much time inside my own head and am not necessarily a fan of reality.  On the plus side… I’ve been told I’m funny and sarcastic, with a weird sense of humour.  That I’m sweet and caring.  That I’m the person you’d want in your corner – that I’ll fight for you.  Maybe?

Does sex=love?
In general or with me?  Hmm.  Sex=lust.  Lust is a fantastic thing, for sure.  But sex=/=love.  Sex can be a part of love.  But love is more than sex.

Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company?
So.  Here’s the issue with this question.  At where I work there’s no such thing as a “work shortage”.  Sure there’s low periods of work, but things will pick up and pick up quite drastically in a short amount of time.  So what’s the real reason the coworker is being let go?  Is it poor performance?  Is it some other issue?  How truthful is management being with the “work shortage” determination. And.  Is saying something to your boss going to do any good?  Or will it just put you on the chopping block AS WELL?  I would feel bad for the individual.  And see what I can offer in means of assistance.  But I honestly doubt it would do any good to volunteer as tribute, so to speak.

When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel?
Define “really feel”. Are we talking in the romantic sense or in the I feel really fucked up right now sense?  Because the second is so much more important than the first (not that the first isn’t important) and I’ve been doing it a lot more with the few people I trust.  I’m still damn good at bottling it all up.  But I’m also saying more.  Which is unfortunate for them, ha.

What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
Hmm.  I expect the first one.  I find it hard to express interest in individuals in the first place.  Not that the interest isn’t there.  I just can’t make the words come out.

What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
So in March of this year I made the decision to put Jake down.  He had been my absolute best friend for 12.5 years.  He was the one who knew all my secrets, would comfort me when I cried or was suffering, and was always there.  I went with him the entire way.  Held him, petted him, told him how loved he was, how he’d been such a good boy and how it would all be okay.  Stayed with him as he took his last breath.  Broke my heart, and my life was so empty afterwards. It’s not answering the question, but it is.

Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Well there’s an indirect love in a drunk text message from the other night which I noticed this evening and neither of us have acknowledged.  And another drunken I love you man to a friend I barely talk to.  But.  I don’t know.  I don’t say I love you much anymore.  I should.  I like to think that I express it in my actions though.

If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have “no regrets” what would you change?
I don’t like this question. I have a LOT of regrets that I’m trying to move past.   I mostly regret letting my fear run and ruin so much of my life.  I regret not being a little more reckless.  I regret letting my art/writing slide.  I regret not perusing romantic relationships I’ve desired.

Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. what do you do?
Nothing.  I live in a high-rise, a few floors above the entry.  There’s always someone walking outside my window, well below, but outside.   If they’re RIGHT outside my window we’ve got another problem.  Mind you if someone is knocking on my door and I’m not expecting anyone then I’ll be in panic mode.

Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
Why wouldn’t I?  And I’d hope they’d do the same with me, if the need was there.

Are you old fashioned?
Yeah, I am.  To a degree.  I like my technology, for sure.  And I find some old-fashion things odd.  But I think I am.  I’m a romantic.  I like flowers and long walks and stuff like that.

Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
Well, see, here’s the thing.  It doesn’t say that it’ll be the true love that gives the heart break.  So.  At least there’d be love sometime.  Besides… I kinda expect heart break anyway.

Clearwater – My Life According to iTunes

  1. Put Your iTunes  on Shuffle.
  2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
  3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
  4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.  All the comments that are in italics are lyrics from the songs.

What do your friends think of you?
Attention to Details – Averi
(I’m tempted to tell you now / all these things I think about)

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?
Non-Populus – Matthew Good
(Well it says: let it be unto you)

How would you describe yourself?
She`s Got A New Disguise – Matthew Good Band
(Where is the face that you know)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
The World As I See It – Jason Mraz
(From a birds eye view I can see / You are just like me)

How do you feel today?
Heartbreak Coverup – Jesse Labelle
(It’s just another lonely night / They happen all the time)

What is your life’s purpose?
Everything Is Automatic – Matthew Good Band
(Be what you want to be)

What is your motto?
Baby Please Come Home – Josh Ramsay

What do you think about very often?
The Heart Wants What It Wants – Selena Gomez

What is 2 + 2?
Shut Up and Kiss Me – Marianas Trench
(This is just perfect as it is)

What do you think of your best friend?
The Woman I Love – Jason Mraz

What do you think of the person you like?
Hall of Fame – The Script

What is your life story?
Strange Days – Matthew Good

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Alive – Sia

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Sometimes – Walk Off the Earth
(If only you could love me sometimes / We’d rule the world together sometimes)

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Rain – Plans & Disguises

What will they play at your funeral?
Never Say Die – Marianas Trench
(Again, perfect.  Haha)

What is your hobby/interest?
Masterpiece Theatre – Marianas Trench
(This masterpiece is only mine / Entirely guilty by design)

What is your biggest fear?
Born Losers – Matthew Good

What is your biggest secret?
Alive Again – Marianas Trench
(And I’m fading)

What do you think of your friends?
Who Would I be – Callaghan
(I feel the strength you give me to survive )

What will you post this as?
Clearwater – JR Richards

Goodbye 2016. Hello 2017

  1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?

Met Marianas Trench…. Twice…. On the same day.  Went on a Marianas Trench a-thon (5 shows this year).  Decided to get a tattoo (getting it in March).  Went on a Cruise.  Visited Alaska.  Touched a glacier. Won a painting.  Took a sculpture class.  Went to Fan Expo.  Submitted a video to a vlog and then met Michael Aranda a few weeks later.  Went to two concerts that were almost private shows, which was kinda awesome.  Attended a private movie screening.  Streaked a section of my hair blue.  Spent almost the full night at work – bordered on

  1. Did you keep your New Years’ Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Didn’t make any resolutions last year.  Just surviving the year is good enough, usually.  Not really making any thing year earlier.  Although, as I did say on Twitter earlier today, I’m going to go back to school in the beginning on January.  And to continue to work on living outside my comfort zone.

  1. Did anyone close to you give birth?

KD had a gorgeous little boy that I haven’t met yet.

  1. Did anyone close to you die?

Not to my knowledge.

  1. What countries did you visit?

The USA – Texas specifically – in January.  And again to the USA in June when I went on the cruise to Alaska.  Otherwise I’d just spent time in my home area.

  1. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?

Family health.  We were getting there but… A better love life.  A new home.

  1. What date from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 19 – When I met Marianas Trench, twice.  March 21 – Got Josh Ramsay’s guitar pic post Wildfire.  June 2 – Plans and Disguises – met Dylan and Woody.  Fan expo – Sept 3.

  1. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Learning how to put distance between myself and some of my toxic friends – it’s still a work in progress but I’m going the right way.  Making some new friends.  Close ones, and not as close ones, but still friends none-the-less.  Discovered a MASSIVE issue at work – resulted in me getting an Achievers award for it.

  1. What was your biggest failure?

Not finding a better work/life balance.  Not saying no when I needed to.

  1. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Mother-fucking-Mono.  Miserable there.  Couple of random little illnesses too.

  1. What was the best thing you bought?

A new camera.  Although I only bought half of that.  Tickets to all the events I attended.

  1. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Sometimes mine, sometimes not.

  1. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Generalized Americans who voted for, and elected, Trump.  The boss, occasionally.

  1. Where did most of your money go?

The Alaskan Cruise/Vancouver trip.  Marianas Trench stuff – merch, tickets, etc.  But both were so worth it.

  1. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The Marianas Trench shows, ESPECIALLY the one with Keiran.  Spending time with my family.

  1. What song will always remind you of 2016?

Who Do You Love – Marianas Trench.

  1. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    1. happier or sadder? Cautiously happier
    2. thinner or fatter? Thinner, but not by much.
    3. richer or poorer? Richer in more than money
  1. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Been more confident in myself – in my talents, thoughts and just self in general.

  1. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Given in to my fear.

  1. How will you be spending Christmas?

Christmas Eve was at my Aunt’s house, with Aunt, Uncle, Oma, Laura, Laura’s boyfriend, and boyfriend’s daughter.  Christmas Day was just immediate family.  We made a turkey, opened presents, watched some movies.

  1. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

My mom, on calls.  Texting likely Keiran and Isabelle.

  1. Did you fall in love in 2016?

I tried very very hard to not.  I did not succeed. Which is unfortunate, seeing as it’s unrequited love once more.

  1. How many one-night stands?

Not a one…. Not for lack of trying.

  1. What was your favorite TV program?

Code Black.  Murdoch Mysteries.  Still Standing.  X Company.

  1. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate, no.  Strong dislike, yes.

  1. What was the best book you read?

The ones I finished.

  1. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Plans and Disguises – Just before I met them.  I’ve fallen that much more in love with Marianas Trench

  1. What did you want and get?

Much more than I deserved.

  1. What did you want and not get?

There’s a few things that I desired that I didn’t get.  Maybe I didn’t deserve them.

  1. What was your favorite film of this year?

Didn’t have a favourite.  There were quite a few delightful ones though.

  1. What did you do on your birthday, and how old?

I honestly don’t recall what I did.  Worked, I’m sure.  I turned 34.

  1. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Reciprocated attraction.  But we’re getting there.

  1. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

Whatever I wanted, as long as it was situationally appropriate.    Although most of my shopping happened at Torrid.

  1. What kept you sane?

Friends.  Family.  The kitty.

  1. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Josh Ramsay is still at the top of this list.

  1. What political issue stirred you the most?

There were a lot of political issues that got under my skin.  Which is interesting seeing as I don’t like to follow political issues.

  1. Who did you miss?

The people I wasn’t with.

  1. Who was the best new person you met?

Honestly, I met a bunch of new people this year.  And I include “met” as “got to know a lot better” in the met category.

  1. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016:

That love is expressed in many different ways.   And that it’s okay to let go of people and say no to them – especially when they replace you in their life.

  1. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Everything goes quiet, it’s like I just can’t move
You say I might as well try it, there’s nothing left to lose
Nothing will change if you never choose
~ Marianas Trench “Who Do You Love”

The start of Emily’s List of Awesome

Occasionally I fall into one of those dark scary black pits of badness.  Those times where, no matter how good life has been recently, everything suddenly turns dark and there feels like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.  Where you wonder if truthfully your life is worth anything, whether you’ve wasted all your time so far, or if you’ve actually accomplished anything of merit.  When you see all the accomplishments that used to be your milestone goals being completed by everyone else around you, and you’re still sitting on the sidelines waiting for your turn to play the game.

Granted, the pits I’ve fallen into in the past while have neither been as dark, deep or as strugglesome to get out of, but they’ve still been a part of my life.  And I suspect they always will be.  Social anxiety and depression are part of who I am.  For the most part I’m alright with that as well.  I’ve learned to manage them and manage my world around me during those times.  I know the steps to take to take care of myself and to make myself feel better in the process.

But it’s still difficult.

So, with the help of some friends, I started to create a list.  A list of things that inspire happy memories and reminiscing.  Of accomplishments and goals I’ve achieved, both big and small.  Of times I conquered my fears by saying fuck it and doing it anyway.

Emily’s List of Awesome

It is, by no means, a complete list.  And it’s a fluid list – there’s always things going on that need to be added.  Some are stupid (to you) but may be monumental to me.  There are events that should have dates that I’ve forgotten.  And there’s events that I’ve also just simply forgotten as well.   If there’s something relevant that I’ve experienced with you and it’s not on this list, please tell me!  If you have dates for something on this list, please tell me!  And, even better, if you can think of something I should do with you that’s not on this list, let me know!  I love suggestions.

Better late than never

  1. What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?

Traveled with Lee-Anne to Roatan, Honduras. Attended a beach wedding for a bride and groom I’d just met a few days before. Swam off the deep end (lol) also known as crossed the barrier reef into the real ocean, and watched a school of blue fish swim off. Installed a series of computers at work with no help from Tech Support. Laid bricks/ did concrete work with my father. Attended a VIP concert for Matt Good and loved it. Traveled with my parents for the first time in a long time. Drove the boat while towing the dock all by myself (my uncle being in the boat doesn’t count).

 

  1. Did you keep your New Years’ Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did not have any New Years’ Resolutions, except to make it to the New Year. I’m working on a new list of 101 things in 1001 days, and others, but it’s not “Resolutions”.

 

  1. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Amanda gave birth to a little girl. If there was anyone else… I’m drawing a blank.

 

  1. Did anyone close to you die?

Not to my knowledge.

 

  1. What countries did you visit?

In 2014 I finally ventured out of my Canada/USA box and visited Cuba. This year it was Roatan, in Honduras. Otherwise I traveled mostly just in Canada… I don’t think I even made it to the USA this year.

 

  1. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?

Health/family health. A better love life, job and home. But if I can’t have all those, it’s okay.

 

  1. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Christmas was pretty awesome this year. No one was sick, the food was delicious, and there was lots of good company. Presents were pretty nice too.

Hmm… because I’m thinking about it right now, October 27 cause that’s when Keiran bought Marianas Trench tickets for January.

 

  1. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving work without causing bodily harm? I would say graduating from college but when the diploma arrived in mid January it was dated December. Eh, what the hell. Graduating from College.

 

  1. What was your biggest failure?

Not finishing part two of my college program. Still not holding a G2 drivers license. Not finding the right house to buy. Not finding a better work/life balance. Letting people get to me and not saying “no” when I wanted to. Wait, there was only supposed to be one, wasn’t there?

 

  1. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Don’t I always? I can’t recall any specifics, however.

 

  1. What was the best thing you bought?

Isn’t this a loaded question. Also very commercialized. I suspect the best thing I purchased would have been the Writing Class I did. Other good things I’ve bought would be gifts I’ve given away.

 

  1. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Sometimes mine, sometimes not. Canadians in general for finally electing out Harper.

 

  1. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The boss, once in a while. Same with some other coworkers. Americans who are against gun regulation.

 

  1. Where did most of your money go?

Rent. Savings. Food. Video games.

 

  1. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The trip to Roatan. The Matt Good tickets. The Marianas Trench tickets for next year. Spending time with my family.

 

  1. What song will always remind you of 2015?

Astoria was released end of 2015.  That’s what’ll remind me of 2015.

 

  1. Compared to this time last year, are you:
  2. a) happier or sadder? Cautiously happier
  3. b) thinner or fatter? About the same
  4. c) richer or poorer? About the same

 

  1. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Been confident in my self.

 

  1. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Given in to my fear.

 

  1. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent Christmas at home with my parents and my sister. Christmas Eve My Aunt Jane, Uncle Horst, Laura and Oma came over for dinner. Christmas Day Aunt Sylvia, Uncle Tom and Katie came over. Boxing Day Aunt Liz and Uncle Paul came over and the day after Jen from high school/university and her family came over.

 

  1. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

My mom, on calls.  Texting likely Keiran and Isabelle.

 

  1. Did you fall in love in 2015?

No.

 

  1. How many one-night stands?

Not a one.

 

  1. What was your favorite TV program?

Murdoch Mysteries.  Still Standing.  Both brilliant TV shows, and both staring Jonny Harris.  I like a lot of Canadian TV as well.

 

  1. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is a very strong term.  Strong dislike… now that I can get behind.

 

  1. What was the best book you read?

Almost all of them.

 

  1. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hmm…. I don’t know.  I like what I like and I like it because it’s awesome.  I’ve fallen that much more in love with Marianas Trench and Matt Good.

 

  1. What did you want and get?

A lot of things.

 

  1. What did you want and not get?

A new home.  A drivers license.  A boyfriend. A new job.

 

  1. What was your favorite film of this year?

Couldn’t tell you.  I saw a lot of movies and a lot of them were good, but there’s not one that screams FAVOURITE.  Although I really enjoyed being able to watch the FULL Hunger Games Saga.

 

  1. What did you do on your birthday, and how old?

I had cake with my family, then went to Ikea with Lee-Anne.  I turned 33.

 

  1. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I don’t know.

 

  1. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?

Casual alternative.  Love me some ripped jeans and sarcastic t-shirts.

 

  1. What kept you sane?

The kitty.  My friends.

 

  1. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Erm….  Josh Ramsay.  Jonny Harris.   Just to start a long long list…

 

  1. What political issue stirred you the most?

The election that got us a new PM.  Horray for Justin Trudeau.

 

  1. Who did you miss?

I don’t know.

 

  1. Who was the best new person you met?

I met a bunch of girls in 2014 when I started taking yoga classes, but I didn’t really get to know them until 2015.  Those would be the best new people I met last year.

 

  1. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015:

It really, truly, is okay to say no to something you don’t want to do.

 

  1. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Apologies, I’m not myself but I can guarantee
That when I get back, you won’t believe
That you knew me well
Don’t want to think about it
I’m fuckin’ tired of getting sick about it
Now stand back up and be a man about it
And fight for something, fight for something, fight for something, oh

~ Marianas Trench “Ever After”