I like questions that make me think…

Is it difficult for you to look into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
Yes.  It is.  When I am talking about feelings, or anything truthfully.  Mostly because I find eye contact intimidating. I am extra-sensitive.  If I trust you, or I respect you, it’s easier to look you in the eyes.  But put emotion behind it, and it gets that much more difficult

Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry?
I’m more quick to anger than I used to be.  However it’s also a quick rage and I don’t hit the REALLY angry portion that often anymore.  More of a deep disappointment.  I find a lot of quick anger and deep disappointment at work.  Some of the stuff I’ve seen happen to those I care about make me angry.  When I’m disrespected, I find that angry. But it’s not a REALLY angry. I might’ve hit the REALLY angry around when Rick died with something that happened between boss and I but that’s not something I want to talk about.

You will die in three minutes. Last call?
At this point in time – My parents. But there’d be about 4 people I would send texts as well, to say I love you.

You have three months to live…
(1) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?  Anyone, yes.  Everyone, no.  There’s some people I would want to know.  Others, well, they’re not really ones who will give a fuck, really.  So why waste time pacifying them.
(2) What do you do with your remaining days?  Be a little more reckless.  Not like, in crazy ways, but be more open and honest with the people around me.  Make sure those I care about know that I do.  See family and friends.  Hug and kiss more.  Find a whirlwind relationship.  Do things I love with people I love.
(3) Would you be afraid?  I think I would.  Well, I’m afraid on a general basis, so I don’t think I see that changing.  But yeah.  There’s always going to be some fear.

You can have one of the following two things: trust/love. Which do you choose?  I don’t know.  I don’t think there is any love if there’s no trust.  But trust isn’t something that comes automatically with love either. Trust has to be earned.  Lust, sure, that exists all the time without trust.  But love and trust come together.  Most of the people I love, romantically or otherwise, I have to trust them first.  So I guess the answer is I don’t know?

You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
My boss is a dog lover.  While I think she would be upset, I don’t see her actually firing me over something like that.  There needs to be reasonable cause to fire.  I suppose that technically it’s a fire-able offense… But…You know… if my boss fired me for that, then maybe that’s a company that I don’t want to be part of.

You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her?
I wouldn’t be unfaithful.  I’m loyal to a fault.  So there’s that.  But… It’s something that I would want to know – if someone had cheated on me.  I don’t know if I would be able to be part of the relationship any longer after that.  That goes back to the whole trust thing.  I guess it would also depend on the LEVEL of unfaithful, the length of the relationship, etc.  It’s not something I want to find out, though.

Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?
Yes.  I would.  In a heartbeat I would, if I could give that someone a chance to say goodbye to the people they loved. It would be worth it.

Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
I don’t know but I doubt it.   I can be fickle and emotionally over-available or completely unavailable.  I’ve been called cold and stand-off-ish.  I’m extremely dependent and clingy.  I spent too much time inside my own head and am not necessarily a fan of reality.  On the plus side… I’ve been told I’m funny and sarcastic, with a weird sense of humour.  That I’m sweet and caring.  That I’m the person you’d want in your corner – that I’ll fight for you.  Maybe?

Does sex=love?
In general or with me?  Hmm.  Sex=lust.  Lust is a fantastic thing, for sure.  But sex=/=love.  Sex can be a part of love.  But love is more than sex.

Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company?
So.  Here’s the issue with this question.  At where I work there’s no such thing as a “work shortage”.  Sure there’s low periods of work, but things will pick up and pick up quite drastically in a short amount of time.  So what’s the real reason the coworker is being let go?  Is it poor performance?  Is it some other issue?  How truthful is management being with the “work shortage” determination. And.  Is saying something to your boss going to do any good?  Or will it just put you on the chopping block AS WELL?  I would feel bad for the individual.  And see what I can offer in means of assistance.  But I honestly doubt it would do any good to volunteer as tribute, so to speak.

When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel?
Define “really feel”. Are we talking in the romantic sense or in the I feel really fucked up right now sense?  Because the second is so much more important than the first (not that the first isn’t important) and I’ve been doing it a lot more with the few people I trust.  I’m still damn good at bottling it all up.  But I’m also saying more.  Which is unfortunate for them, ha.

What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
Hmm.  I expect the first one.  I find it hard to express interest in individuals in the first place.  Not that the interest isn’t there.  I just can’t make the words come out.

What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
So in March of this year I made the decision to put Jake down.  He had been my absolute best friend for 12.5 years.  He was the one who knew all my secrets, would comfort me when I cried or was suffering, and was always there.  I went with him the entire way.  Held him, petted him, told him how loved he was, how he’d been such a good boy and how it would all be okay.  Stayed with him as he took his last breath.  Broke my heart, and my life was so empty afterwards. It’s not answering the question, but it is.

Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Well there’s an indirect love in a drunk text message from the other night which I noticed this evening and neither of us have acknowledged.  And another drunken I love you man to a friend I barely talk to.  But.  I don’t know.  I don’t say I love you much anymore.  I should.  I like to think that I express it in my actions though.

If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have “no regrets” what would you change?
I don’t like this question. I have a LOT of regrets that I’m trying to move past.   I mostly regret letting my fear run and ruin so much of my life.  I regret not being a little more reckless.  I regret letting my art/writing slide.  I regret not perusing romantic relationships I’ve desired.

Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. what do you do?
Nothing.  I live in a high-rise, a few floors above the entry.  There’s always someone walking outside my window, well below, but outside.   If they’re RIGHT outside my window we’ve got another problem.  Mind you if someone is knocking on my door and I’m not expecting anyone then I’ll be in panic mode.

Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
Why wouldn’t I?  And I’d hope they’d do the same with me, if the need was there.

Are you old fashioned?
Yeah, I am.  To a degree.  I like my technology, for sure.  And I find some old-fashion things odd.  But I think I am.  I’m a romantic.  I like flowers and long walks and stuff like that.

Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
Well, see, here’s the thing.  It doesn’t say that it’ll be the true love that gives the heart break.  So.  At least there’d be love sometime.  Besides… I kinda expect heart break anyway.

Word Vomit

So, truthfully, it hasn’t been the best few months. There’s been some good parts, but… the majority of it has been trying, to say the least. And honestly each time I try to put some of it down in words, I get irritable, emotional, angry, etc and I just walk away. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve done that to this post, nor how many times I’ll do it since writing this sentence.

One of my employees – her mother had a stroke. Then another stroke. On the same week that my one other employee was on vacation in Cuba. So I was down an employee and I lost another, and I only had 5 to start with. Top it off with the fact that one of my employees had resigned before then, and I was training a temp (I think.  I can’t even remember at this point).  With 7 days to cover night shifts for all the days.. okay fine. It got worse instead of better when the vacationing employee ended up getting “stuck” in Cuba. I’m not saying I didn’t believe her issues… but the way she handled it was rather poor. Lack of communication as to what was going on, saying that she was going to call to update and then not, and not responding at all until threatened with discipline. Yeah, wasn’t the best experience.

A colleague of mine – who I worked with daily and spoke with quite frequently – checked into the hospital with pneumonia on a Monday. By Wednesday he was bored in the hospital and calling me. Friday was the last time he emailed me. Over the weekend he was put in a medical coma and was diagnosed with metastasized cancer in the brain, lungs, and all over. By the following weekend he had died. (Feb 18).  To say the experience wrecked me to a certain degree would be speaking the truth.  I couldn’t look at his emails, and in the interim between his death and his replacement, things fell pretty quickly apart.

My mom has been in and out of hospital again. There’s been issues with her blood pressure, kidney function, wound care, etc. Healing of wounds waxes and wanes. Pain management has been a constant problem. And it sucks seeing her in such pain. Breaks my heart.  I don’t know what to do to help, and, truthfully there’s not much I CAN do.

I said goodbye to my fuzzy best friend, constant support system and endless source of love for almost 13 years on March 25th. He was my rock, my constant, my best friend. He was my shadow, my baby and my light in the darkness. He was always there for me, not afraid to follow me everywhere and the best listener I have ever spoken to. He was goofy with his periscope tail, and smart as a whip. Handsome, and well behaved, he loved to cuddle, steal my blankets, give kisses and hog the bed. He never met a person he didn’t like, or didn’t charm. He was soft, fluffy and full of love. And he knew he was loved, right to the end.

Ambitiously took on two classes that I was dying to learn all about. The material was really interesting. I was learning a lot. And I got completely overwhelmed by all of the stuff that was happening that I ended up just bailing on classes and flunking out. I hate myself for it. And I don’t even know if I want to go back to it.

I got slapped in the face by a drunk guy in the elevator. An elevator in the apartment building I live in.  So much for being safe at home.

My employee’s mother who had the stroke died in May.

Been losing a good friend for a while now.  Decided to take a big step back and give some space.  Sucks, but it wasn’t unexpected.

I got into such a ridiculous argument with pet foster mother when she dropped off my new buddy, Husky, that I had adopted.  It was absolutely devastating and such a soul-sucking, violating experience.  She felt I would not be a good care giver to my new buddy because my place wasn’t spotless, because i had curtains, because I didn’t have his supplies set up to her “standards”, and she expressed doubt that I had done all I could to help Jake.  Turns out she also lied about the food she was feeding him, and neglected to give me his full medical records/tell me about the suture in his side.

Fell in love with the wrong guy.  At least, feels like it’s likely the wrong guy.  He’s funny.  Smart.  Charasmatic.  Fucking handsome.  And we get along great.  But three strikes and I’m (mostly) out.  It sucks and it’s painful and I pulled myself way back from interactions.  Which resulted in basically a void in the friendship that I don’t even know if he noticed at first.  It’s not like I’m not generally socially awkward regardless.  But recently decided that it’s better to be friends than nothing at all.  And hey, it’s not like I’m not used to weird one-sided friendships.

Good stuff happened too. Like my cousin giving birth to an adorable baby boy. Or seeing the Tea Party.  And Matt Good – twice.  Silly things like tweeting with musicians, celebrities and getting likes to tweets. There’s been fantastic sunsets that I’ve shared in awe of the colours. I had a lovely vacation with my best friend and road-tripped to places hadn’t seen before. I got a beautiful tattoo of an ocean wave. I got to meet an adorable little Texan boy that is definitely a heart breaker. I got to see cousins I haven’t seen in years, and ones I hadn’t met yet.  I welcomed a new adorable kitty into my life, Husky, who keeps me on my toes and gives me lots of love and cuddles.

I got a Tattoo!

As long as I can recall I’ve been drawn to the water.  My parents said I was swimming like a fish well before I was even thinking of walking.  My favourite place is by the waters edge.  Or in the water.  As long as I’m by the water.  I love the sound of the waves lapping on the shore. Or rain hitting the windowpane as it’s falling.  I am a water baby.  And I’m a water sign.  It’s perfect.

It seems spontaneous but it’s not.  It’s a long time in the making.



CBC Literary Contest

It’s no secret that I’ve always had a dream of being an author. I’ve written since I learned how to arrange letters to make (some) sense. I’ve taken writing classes that I loved (and aced). I had a (stupid) poem published in my high school yearbook.  I’ve had  numerous blogs and journals.   I’ve self-published a poetry book.  I’ve attempted Nanowrimo numerous times. I have books and binders and hard drives full of pieces in various stages.

Yet I rarely reach completion of pieces. Or if I do… I do nothing about it.

Until a couple of months ago. Until I fell out of my comfort zone.

So not too many people know this… In fact I think the number of people who do is about 3. But… I actually did submit a piece I’d written to the CBC Literary Short Story contest.  The first submission since high school.

I didn’t place. But. Some strangers out there have read what I’ve written. I put myself out there. And I’m ridiculously pleased that I did that.

Maybe it’s time to dust off and try again with something bigger next time.

Clearwater – My Life According to iTunes

  1. Put Your iTunes  on Shuffle.
  2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
  3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
  4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.  All the comments that are in italics are lyrics from the songs.

What do your friends think of you?
Attention to Details – Averi
(I’m tempted to tell you now / all these things I think about)

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?
Non-Populus – Matthew Good
(Well it says: let it be unto you)

How would you describe yourself?
She`s Got A New Disguise – Matthew Good Band
(Where is the face that you know)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
The World As I See It – Jason Mraz
(From a birds eye view I can see / You are just like me)

How do you feel today?
Heartbreak Coverup – Jesse Labelle
(It’s just another lonely night / They happen all the time)

What is your life’s purpose?
Everything Is Automatic – Matthew Good Band
(Be what you want to be)

What is your motto?
Baby Please Come Home – Josh Ramsay

What do you think about very often?
The Heart Wants What It Wants – Selena Gomez

What is 2 + 2?
Shut Up and Kiss Me – Marianas Trench
(This is just perfect as it is)

What do you think of your best friend?
The Woman I Love – Jason Mraz

What do you think of the person you like?
Hall of Fame – The Script

What is your life story?
Strange Days – Matthew Good

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Alive – Sia

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Sometimes – Walk Off the Earth
(If only you could love me sometimes / We’d rule the world together sometimes)

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Rain – Plans & Disguises

What will they play at your funeral?
Never Say Die – Marianas Trench
(Again, perfect.  Haha)

What is your hobby/interest?
Masterpiece Theatre – Marianas Trench
(This masterpiece is only mine / Entirely guilty by design)

What is your biggest fear?
Born Losers – Matthew Good

What is your biggest secret?
Alive Again – Marianas Trench
(And I’m fading)

What do you think of your friends?
Who Would I be – Callaghan
(I feel the strength you give me to survive )

What will you post this as?
Clearwater – JR Richards